Sigh Funny

How the guy who started the Top Ten List turned out to be a CWOAS, huh? Irony people, You just can'f make this up sometimes.

Since it has been awhile, I can honestly say that it has taken a really REALLY long time to get to the point where I could joke about this. . .it hurts SO MUCH still. . .but it is getting better:)

Number 5

Being sick with no back up. . .that REALLY sucks, and really highlights the toll having a non custodial parent slacker for a co parent can have on you. . .

I was just sicker than I HAVE ever BEEN IN MY LIFE. . .solo. . .and while I realize that my CWOAS would not have been at all caring and kind during the siege. . .I may have been able to retain my dignity. . .instead of having my 19 year old son carry my back to my room after I collapsed on the bathroom floor. . .would have kept my 15 year old son from having to take scary phone calls from doctors with scary titles and scary messages. . .and would have kept my dog from having a breakdown when she whined and cried until my 7 year old found me on the kitchen floor. . .too weak to get back to the couch. . .sigh

BUT- the following will illustrate how even if my CWOAS HAD been here. . .it would have been no great comfort;

I had back to back discussion sections on Monday during grad school- it ws the first day of the semester. . .I had to be there. . .and I was. . . with a 104.0 fever. . .made it through my sections, not sure how I made it home. . .collapsed on the couch, and Precious was also sick and throwing up on the love seat when I got home

Me- groooooan

CWOAS- Well, I am going to work now. . .

me- Am I STILL in the car, or am I home?

CWOAS- You are home on the couch, and you have to take care of Precious and the other kids. . .I have to go to work. . .

me- But I have a fever of 104.0, can't you stay home and help?

CWOAS- I already helped you , I let you go to class. . .now I have to go to work. I will be home for supper, so plan on having something I like.

me and Precious- grody and sickening sounds. . .in stereo. . .

Number 6- Being Lonely

This could actually be number 1- but believe it or not, there is a lot of things even worse. . .but even in a life filled with kids and jobs and being on 24/7 that ache will hit. . .and some nights you cannot breathe because it is so heavy on your chest

Questions about what will happen, will you ever be in a relationship- will the pain ever go away. . .will you ever be able to take a deep breath again. . .and be at peace.

I am not there- for me the lonely is like chains, dragging and made really heavy by my crazy need to make people believe all is fine, because I have to. . .but I am hoping it will get better. . .

Upshot- BE strong. . .cause it will be better, it will be better, and someday, it will all be better. . . Have a great weekend. . .

Number 7- Isolation

The experience of finding out you have a CWOAS can lead to many MANY emotions. . .most of them bad. . .sad. . .or very self defeating. . .but

FIGHT BACK

Go out and see people- resist the urge to hole up and be ashamed. Wear red, yellow and green and purple if you dare. . .and get yourself out of the house.

Got kids? Bring them out. . .it will be the hardest thing you do. . .but it will be the best thing you can do to deal with all of this. . .

Go out, be with people. . .and live your life knowing you are so totally worth it!

It will get better. . .

It is the hardest part. . .waiting for things to get better. . .struggling with that one right now. . .friends and family are far away, isolated in my town by my former living conditions (how will the kids get to bed if you go work out??!!)


Find a mantra, stick with it. . .mine is "this too shall pass. . .this too shall pass. . ."

It will help. . .

The gift that keeps on giving- or how grad school saved my life

One of the worst parts of this whole situation was dealing with the violence associated with being involved with a CWOAS. . .and if you do not have a low self image going in, finding yourself married to a CWOAS can get you from 60 to zero. . .very very fast.

I had always known that certain situations made my CWOAS "tense" and over time, I came to understand that some of these tense situations would result in me not being able to be in public for a while, until the swelling went down or fading marks could be covered with make up. . .and I lived like that. . .until a strange, wonderful set of events set me in a place where those tense situation would become the deviant acts they were, not matters for the home to be managed quietly. . .

Through the most remarkable turn of events, I went to grad school. . .

I went back to school to earn my B.A. to finish what I started, and because my incomplete degree made my CWOAS angry- money wasted. I made it through with a degree in Sociology, and that is where it would have stopped if not for a wonderful person named Ellie- who lavishly praised my skill in extracting and defining information from theory to answer her questions in theory class. . .and she encouraged me to continue on in school. . .and helped me get things in place to apply. . .and I was accepted. CWOAS was all for it, because my B.A. was "worthless" and while he had no intention of me getting a job that would replace his (who would take care of the house??) he did not want to pay back my student loans- he wanted me to go to grad school and be able to earn enough. . .to pay what I owed.

I entered a new world, one in which I was. . .smart. . .people saw me as having knowledge worth knowing, and I loved teaching people what I learned, it was so much fun. I felt. . .strong. Secure. Self worth. This feeling was not exactly unknown. . .but it had been missing for a loooong time, in my everyday life. I found a place where people asked the same kinds of questions I did, and who were as interested in the weird stuff about the world and society and culture. . .I had found kindred spirits. . .and found my own as well.

This made home more. . .tense. Because that new found personhood did not make it home with me each night. . .I left that person at school every day. And it got intolerable. When I had to lie about having a night class every semester for a year so I could go to the library to do my research, because if I was not in class, I should be home. . .with the kids. . .and remember that school was not paying the bills. . .when I had a phone call from a male caller(the professor I was working for) who mentioned that he had missed seeing me on campus. . .and suffered the consequences. . .BUT

As I got smarter, I got stronger- my childhood had its share of tensions, but I was a child then, I was now an educated woman with children, including a daughter who was going to watch me for lessons on how to live her life. . .and I finally knew. . .

With the care and concern and support of wonderful people like Laura, Amanda, Carrie, and yes, even Debbie (!!) Kent and Leslie, Megan and Kyle, Amber and Micah. . .and many many others. . .I not only got a degree, I got a life, one that was finally going to be mine to live in a way that would maybe allow for me to someday find someone who would not be threatened by my education, but impressed by me. Someone who would know how to handle conflict, and would not need to hurt in order to express feelings. . .in short, grad school got me to the place that when faced with a freak show CWOAS reveal straight out of Jerry Springer. . .I did not accept it as my due, but rejected it outright, and stood up for myself- and when I was faced with that anger, and felt it hit me, hurt me, I did not let it go- I made a call. . .and I knew I would be ok, my kids would be ok, and our life would some day be so totally more than ok. . .because of grad school.

If you find yourself with a CWOAS, or if you just know something is missing in you and you are moving on, find your "grad school" place. . .and grow from there. I did- it made everything else possible.

Number 8- Your thoughts

One of the worst aspects of the situation is probably going to be your thoughts. . .and the roundabout way you will end up blaming yourself. . .

Thoughts are your best friend and worst enemy. . .and right after you find out that you have CWOAS. . .you will convince yourself that everything stems from your actions.

RESIST this! Just remember you did not cheat. . .and you are not to blame. . .

It may go like this-

CWOAS- I know you are broken up by this, but I really had no other choice. . .

Me- WHAT??

CWOAS- I would not have strayed if you had been better about being my mate. . .

Me- Mate?

CWOAS- Yes, I needed you. . .and you were never there for me! (It should be noted that I was NEVER allowed out of the home until he knew where I was going, and several times he ACTUALLY disabled the car rather than let me go anywhere)

Me- I have been here, YOU have been skulking around, you have been using the internet to cheat, YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT ON ME. . .

CWOAS- Yeah, but it was your fault. . .

Me- *&*&^%

It is not.