Cheating and the Kids. . .

So- when you consider life after cheating. . .one of the things that can really complicate things is the kids. Not because they are a problem, but because there can be many MANY hard questions to answer. . .

My particular CWOAS was of the sort where he used the kids as props. . .lures. . .so frakkin stereotypical it is gut churning. . .AND when he leaves them with one woman he met, to go have sex with another woman he arranged to meet at the same time, it can be very confusing for the kids to understand. Add a special needs child and a COMPLETE lack of understanding on the part of the CWOAS. . .and well, it is disaster. . .cubed. . .

Kids are part of the situation, but never part of the problem. . .

Stand firm! Do not let them be used as a way to pick up partners. . .handling this situation is tricky. . .but here is how I continue to "handle it"-

CWOAS- Hey, Do you think I can just take Cocoa for the day?

Me- Umm no, you are supposed to take all this kids. . .remember?

CWOAS-It's just that my plans are a bit more possible with only her. . .

Me- Umm your plans? You are supposed to be planning things with your children. . .that is why it is called "visitation"

CWOAS- Well I was going to take her to the park. . .and leave her with the daughter of a woman I am meeting. . .

Me-(are you FUCKING kidding me??) I am sorry, but you cannot do this with my children. YOU CANNOT LEAVE THM WITH STRANGERS SO YOU CAN HOOK UP!

CWOAS- Well, tell them I will hang out with them some other time. . .

Me- Yeah. . .

It is what it is. . .

Maybe we can get past this. . . no FUCKING way. . .

So, you may reach a time where your CWOAS/P may actually seem to come to sense about their actions and attempt to get you back. . .

2 words. . .BE CAREFUL, especially if you are in Stage 4. . .

This happened to me. . .and if it were not so FUCKING sad, I would still be laughing my ass off. . .

CWOAS- So. . .babe. . .I have been thinking. . .

Me- Do you still DO that?

CWOAS- Yeah- what is we tried to make a go of this. . .thing?

Me- Thing?

CWOAS- Yeah, the whole marriage thing. . .

Me- not feeling so good about this, but what the hell. . .

Me- What do you mean?

CWOAS- Well, what if we stayed married (and I can keep all of my money and dole it out like I used to instead of giving you 27% off the top) and I just stayed friends with my friends?

Me- Friends?

CWOAS- Yeah. . .you know. . .go to games and such. . .go out. . .

Me- With women you have already slept with?

CWOAS- Um yeah. . .you could come with. . .

Me- inhaling so hard that I create a frakken vaccum, Um, no, I am pretty sure I do NOT want to hang out with your stable. . .

CWOAS- What? After all of this you wanna go back to monogamy?

Me- Um. . .I never left it, you ass!

CWOAS- Well I tried. . .

Yep. folks. . .it is what it is. . .

Finding out the hard way. . .is. . .very hard indeed

So- one of the things that makes it difficult to discover any support for the suspisions you may have about your own personal CWOAS. . .or CWOAP if you prefer, is that in today's day and age. . .so many secrets can be kept in so MANY places. . .and a password or a withheld authorization can put the brakes on any voyage of discovery. . .

Case in point- when I noticed a quadruple increase in the cell phone bill. . .with the number of texts being sent from his phone in the thousands. . .I was amazed and wanted to see the bill- thought it was one of those errors you hear about. . .where the people are shocked by it. . .umm no such luck-

The following is just one of the exchanges I had with the cell phone company, which I will call Pew Ess Smellular. . .in order to keep things confiential

Chirpy Customer service voice- Thanks for calling Pew Ess Smellular, we are happy to serve you, how may I help you?

Me- I have a question about our bill

CCsv- Can I have the number?

I give it

CCsv- Oh, I'm sorry. . .but only the account holder (CWOAS) can access this account's details.

Me- Well, this particular account holder is using this phone to meet people online and leaving my childern with them in parks. . .I need to know what he is doing with this phone!

CCsv- I am really REALLY sorry. . .but I cannot help you

Me- he has racked up 10s of THOUSANDS of dollars on a credit card I did not know he had, he has been lying to me and has been leaving my children with strangers. . .why does HE get to be protected. . .I am the PRIMARY NAME ON THE ACCOUNT THAT PAYS THIS FUCKING BILL!! I want answers. I WANT THE TRUTH. . .sobbing ensues. . .

Less CCsv- I really am sorry, but you need to have him call and ask for this himself. . .(ummm hello, HE IS FUCKING OTHER WOMEN AND USING THIS PHONE THAT I HELP PAY FOR TO SET THE MEETINGS UP!!!!!!)

Me- We have 6 kids, my son is autistic, he is using them like props to get women. . .and HE is the one with protection?????? How do you sleep at night?????

WAAAAAAY less CCsv- I really am sorry. . .

Me- crying with REAL gusto

CCsv- Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me- Um you did not help me at all. . .

CCsv- Well, thank you for calling Pew Ess Smellular. . .where you are a valued customer (yes, she REALLY said that!!!!)

I never did get those records. . .but knew just the same what was going on. . .

So- if you are still wondering. . .hope to G-d you have a real joint account. . .

How it begins. . .a case study

So- now that you know you have a cheating whore of a spouse (CWOAS), you will more than likely search your life, hell, you will turn it inside out and back. . .every SINGLE irregular moment and difference will become an instrument of torture. . .were they together when the store trip took too long, were they hooking up when the "last minute work emergency" lasted hours and in times like that, when you are facing the loooooong empty night, and wonder what you ever did to deserve it, when your mind starts to look for the "answers". . .I have 2 words for you. . .



STAND DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In the aftermath of the infidelity "reveal"- I, too, took this highway to mental hell. . .and the end of the road saw me STILL cheated on. . .but now with a mental image nightmare vault FULL of self flagellation potential. . .and no answers



So, what's a person to do? Ignore this impulse? Let it run free? Drink heavily?



As with life, there is no easy answer to this reaction to having the person you love cheat, so I will share with you how I dealt with it-



Stage One- Assume Fetal position after kids are in bed, cry until your throat hurts, get up and refill the tear tanks. . .repeat



Stage 2- "TALK'* about your feelings with whoever will listen. . .store clerks are REALLY good listeners until your groceries are packed. . .or until they have to leave in order to avoid child labor law violations. . .but be careful, I was so good at this stage the WalMart Greeters tried to keep me out. . .and only said "welcome to Walmart" as I was LEAVING. . .some of the more colorful encounters I had during this stage included a man who asked me how it was going on the WORST. DAY.EVER. and literally RAN away from me in mid rant. . .and a woman who listened to me for about 10 minutes before asking " Do you want that movie ticket or have you had your fill of drama?"



*Assumes no expectation of volume level, profanity use, or clarity

Stage 3- ANGER OVERLOAD. . .one of the more intense parts of the process. . .where you can and will scare small children, junk yard dogs and bikers with the fury written all over your face. . .your voice will harden, your moods will flow. . .like lava. . .microwaved lava. . .and that will be on your good days. . .on your bad days, you will find yourself thinking about how angry you are. . .and then look at the clock and see it is time to make supper. . .the whole day consumed by your anger. . .fury, plans for vengeance, and destruction of the evil CWOAS. . .but a word of caution. . .do not, NOT, no matter how hard it is, unleash that fury in front of the kids. . .you will NEVER regret keeping it from them. . .especially in stage 4 with is-

Acceptance and moving on- harder than it sounds, but again, well worth it. It is here you will hopefully find something, ANYTHING, to make the future a better place for you and the fractured family you now have. . .I found continuing in grad school to be quite QUITE therapeutic, and also had the advantage of helping me see a way that I would be able to support my family. . .to never be in the place I was in. . .find your future, it will help your present. . .

There are more stages, I am sure- but I would rather share one of the more infamous events from Stage 3. . .just for fun-

Bag Boy- Paper or plastic?

Me- I bet she has fake boobs!

BB- Um. . .

Me- that is what probably got him. . .the gravity defying fake ta tas from hell. . .one look at those and he forgot all about us. . .me. . .

BB- Frozen foods in plastic?

Me- I was a GOOD WIFE TO HIM. . .really. . .I know I look a bit frumpy and well, face it, I had 6 kids, but really, I WAS A GOOD WIFE TO HIM. You believe me, right. . .um. . .Justin. . .here to help me. . .yes HELP ME JUSTIN. . .help me understand men, why would a man with 20 years of marriage DO THIS TO HIS FAMILY!!!

BB- Ummm, I am just here to pack your groceries, ma'am. . .

Me- MA'AM????? Did you just call me ma'am??!!?? I GO TO ROCK CONCERTS, I MOSH. . .I am no MA'AM. . .

Manager- I got this Justin. . .

Me- yes, paper please. . .

Sigh, gotta love stage 3. . .

Introduction

You have my sympathies is if you are reading this as a way of dealing with your own cheating whore of a spouse. . .I mean former partner. And if you have kids and are struggling with how to discuss the feelings of betrayal, pain, sorrow, homicide, suicide, jealous, loneliness and all of the savory feelings that come with being cheated on. . .I will share with you the events of my past. . . and just maybe laughing about it will bring you around. I was married for 20 years, have 6 kids with this guy, and he decided a few years ago to begin looking online for sex and "someone special" on the internet. . .and apparently found one. . .

So, you have discovered your spouse is a cheating whore, male or female, AND that the sex has not been "safe". . .which is weird, since your 5th grader is already familiar with HIV and your 15 year old has this life lesson drummed into his head all the time. . .but yes, your CWOAS* has not only cheated on you. . .but has endangered your life. . .What do you do?

The following is how I handled that particular situation. Enjoy.

CWOAS- Yes, I have been unfaithful to you. . .sniff, tear drop. . .and I have feelings for someone else . . .
Me- Hysterical sobbing and other traumatic details.
Me- Struggling to talk. . .but how. . .where. . .?

CWOAS- I have created an online persona, with an assumed name, and a fake age. . .with naked pictures of me taken in our bathroom with my cell phone. . .and posted that I was looking for someone special. . .when I was telling you I was working. . .I was actually doing something else. . .
Me- More of the same sobbing things

CWOAS- I know you are hurting. . .

Me- Not too far gone to NOT be annoyed by this comment

Me- What happened?

CWOAS- I have been forming relationships online, and found people in the area. . .2 exactly. . .and younger. . .
Me- Sob

CWOAS- And I met them- slept with them, one in a furnished storage locker, the other in a hotel. . .

Me- Did you practice safe sex?

CWOAS- They said they were fine without a condom. Is that bad???

Me- Ummmmm WTF? What about pregnancy? AIDS? STIs?

CWOAS- I'll get tested, I am sure it is safe. . .

Me- YOU ARE SURE IT IS SAFE? HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SURE IT IS SAFE?

CWOAS- See, this is why I wandered, you make everything into a big deal that "hurts" you (makes hand quote markes)

Me- Makes different hand gesture in same air

And so it begins. . .and ends

*Cheating whore of a spouse

So- he cheated, with many, and had unprotected sex with women who met men on the internet. . .a LOT of them. . .so you go and find out if you are ok. . .stressed out. . .you imagine being honest with the kids

Kids- Mommy, why are you crying?

Me- Oh I am just tired. [ . .of your whore of a sperm donor. . .and I am waiting to find out if he gave me HIV. . .]**

Kids- Are you going to be ok?

Me- Yes, no matter what, we will all be ok?

Kids- Why did Daddy leave?

Me- He fell out of love with mommy [ and he is a cheating whore who is determined to avoid the hard choices and hard work of a family, and is willing to throw away 20 years of his life for the possibility of better sex with an emotional train wreck who lives in Kentucky. . .who he has never met, but believes he is in love with. . .]

Kids- Does he still love us?

Me- Yes [but, he doesn't see the fact that he destroyed our family as hurting you or leaving you. He believes that his happiness is more important than anything, and that no matter what. . .he has to be happy first, and all others must find a way to be happy around his needs. . .]

Kids- oh, that's good. . .

Me- Yes

** what I would have said if the kids were older. . .