Sigh Funny

How the guy who started the Top Ten List turned out to be a CWOAS, huh? Irony people, You just can'f make this up sometimes.

Since it has been awhile, I can honestly say that it has taken a really REALLY long time to get to the point where I could joke about this. . .it hurts SO MUCH still. . .but it is getting better:)

Number 5

Being sick with no back up. . .that REALLY sucks, and really highlights the toll having a non custodial parent slacker for a co parent can have on you. . .

I was just sicker than I HAVE ever BEEN IN MY LIFE. . .solo. . .and while I realize that my CWOAS would not have been at all caring and kind during the siege. . .I may have been able to retain my dignity. . .instead of having my 19 year old son carry my back to my room after I collapsed on the bathroom floor. . .would have kept my 15 year old son from having to take scary phone calls from doctors with scary titles and scary messages. . .and would have kept my dog from having a breakdown when she whined and cried until my 7 year old found me on the kitchen floor. . .too weak to get back to the couch. . .sigh

BUT- the following will illustrate how even if my CWOAS HAD been here. . .it would have been no great comfort;

I had back to back discussion sections on Monday during grad school- it ws the first day of the semester. . .I had to be there. . .and I was. . . with a 104.0 fever. . .made it through my sections, not sure how I made it home. . .collapsed on the couch, and Precious was also sick and throwing up on the love seat when I got home

Me- groooooan

CWOAS- Well, I am going to work now. . .

me- Am I STILL in the car, or am I home?

CWOAS- You are home on the couch, and you have to take care of Precious and the other kids. . .I have to go to work. . .

me- But I have a fever of 104.0, can't you stay home and help?

CWOAS- I already helped you , I let you go to class. . .now I have to go to work. I will be home for supper, so plan on having something I like.

me and Precious- grody and sickening sounds. . .in stereo. . .

Number 6- Being Lonely

This could actually be number 1- but believe it or not, there is a lot of things even worse. . .but even in a life filled with kids and jobs and being on 24/7 that ache will hit. . .and some nights you cannot breathe because it is so heavy on your chest

Questions about what will happen, will you ever be in a relationship- will the pain ever go away. . .will you ever be able to take a deep breath again. . .and be at peace.

I am not there- for me the lonely is like chains, dragging and made really heavy by my crazy need to make people believe all is fine, because I have to. . .but I am hoping it will get better. . .

Upshot- BE strong. . .cause it will be better, it will be better, and someday, it will all be better. . . Have a great weekend. . .

Number 7- Isolation

The experience of finding out you have a CWOAS can lead to many MANY emotions. . .most of them bad. . .sad. . .or very self defeating. . .but

FIGHT BACK

Go out and see people- resist the urge to hole up and be ashamed. Wear red, yellow and green and purple if you dare. . .and get yourself out of the house.

Got kids? Bring them out. . .it will be the hardest thing you do. . .but it will be the best thing you can do to deal with all of this. . .

Go out, be with people. . .and live your life knowing you are so totally worth it!

It will get better. . .

It is the hardest part. . .waiting for things to get better. . .struggling with that one right now. . .friends and family are far away, isolated in my town by my former living conditions (how will the kids get to bed if you go work out??!!)


Find a mantra, stick with it. . .mine is "this too shall pass. . .this too shall pass. . ."

It will help. . .

The gift that keeps on giving- or how grad school saved my life

One of the worst parts of this whole situation was dealing with the violence associated with being involved with a CWOAS. . .and if you do not have a low self image going in, finding yourself married to a CWOAS can get you from 60 to zero. . .very very fast.

I had always known that certain situations made my CWOAS "tense" and over time, I came to understand that some of these tense situations would result in me not being able to be in public for a while, until the swelling went down or fading marks could be covered with make up. . .and I lived like that. . .until a strange, wonderful set of events set me in a place where those tense situation would become the deviant acts they were, not matters for the home to be managed quietly. . .

Through the most remarkable turn of events, I went to grad school. . .

I went back to school to earn my B.A. to finish what I started, and because my incomplete degree made my CWOAS angry- money wasted. I made it through with a degree in Sociology, and that is where it would have stopped if not for a wonderful person named Ellie- who lavishly praised my skill in extracting and defining information from theory to answer her questions in theory class. . .and she encouraged me to continue on in school. . .and helped me get things in place to apply. . .and I was accepted. CWOAS was all for it, because my B.A. was "worthless" and while he had no intention of me getting a job that would replace his (who would take care of the house??) he did not want to pay back my student loans- he wanted me to go to grad school and be able to earn enough. . .to pay what I owed.

I entered a new world, one in which I was. . .smart. . .people saw me as having knowledge worth knowing, and I loved teaching people what I learned, it was so much fun. I felt. . .strong. Secure. Self worth. This feeling was not exactly unknown. . .but it had been missing for a loooong time, in my everyday life. I found a place where people asked the same kinds of questions I did, and who were as interested in the weird stuff about the world and society and culture. . .I had found kindred spirits. . .and found my own as well.

This made home more. . .tense. Because that new found personhood did not make it home with me each night. . .I left that person at school every day. And it got intolerable. When I had to lie about having a night class every semester for a year so I could go to the library to do my research, because if I was not in class, I should be home. . .with the kids. . .and remember that school was not paying the bills. . .when I had a phone call from a male caller(the professor I was working for) who mentioned that he had missed seeing me on campus. . .and suffered the consequences. . .BUT

As I got smarter, I got stronger- my childhood had its share of tensions, but I was a child then, I was now an educated woman with children, including a daughter who was going to watch me for lessons on how to live her life. . .and I finally knew. . .

With the care and concern and support of wonderful people like Laura, Amanda, Carrie, and yes, even Debbie (!!) Kent and Leslie, Megan and Kyle, Amber and Micah. . .and many many others. . .I not only got a degree, I got a life, one that was finally going to be mine to live in a way that would maybe allow for me to someday find someone who would not be threatened by my education, but impressed by me. Someone who would know how to handle conflict, and would not need to hurt in order to express feelings. . .in short, grad school got me to the place that when faced with a freak show CWOAS reveal straight out of Jerry Springer. . .I did not accept it as my due, but rejected it outright, and stood up for myself- and when I was faced with that anger, and felt it hit me, hurt me, I did not let it go- I made a call. . .and I knew I would be ok, my kids would be ok, and our life would some day be so totally more than ok. . .because of grad school.

If you find yourself with a CWOAS, or if you just know something is missing in you and you are moving on, find your "grad school" place. . .and grow from there. I did- it made everything else possible.

Number 8- Your thoughts

One of the worst aspects of the situation is probably going to be your thoughts. . .and the roundabout way you will end up blaming yourself. . .

Thoughts are your best friend and worst enemy. . .and right after you find out that you have CWOAS. . .you will convince yourself that everything stems from your actions.

RESIST this! Just remember you did not cheat. . .and you are not to blame. . .

It may go like this-

CWOAS- I know you are broken up by this, but I really had no other choice. . .

Me- WHAT??

CWOAS- I would not have strayed if you had been better about being my mate. . .

Me- Mate?

CWOAS- Yes, I needed you. . .and you were never there for me! (It should be noted that I was NEVER allowed out of the home until he knew where I was going, and several times he ACTUALLY disabled the car rather than let me go anywhere)

Me- I have been here, YOU have been skulking around, you have been using the internet to cheat, YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT ON ME. . .

CWOAS- Yeah, but it was your fault. . .

Me- *&*&^%

It is not.

Number 9 on the Top Ten List- Getting a lawyer

Don't get me wrong- once you get one, one you really REALLY trust, it will be one of the best felings in the world. . .the the process of actually finding that one trusted ally is. . .well. . .hard.

Get advice from friends and relatives look up things on the net, but in the end you will end up telling the tale to many, over and over with different responses that will impress, touch and in some cases repel you. . .be warned!

As usual, I have a few examples of the good, the bad, and the ugly

Contestant #1- "Well, so what you are telling me is that he cheated on you, abused you, and now you want to divorce him?"

Me- Um yes- where do I start?

C#1- With my retainer fee- then we will see what we can do for you. . .

NEXT Contestant

C#2- So, that is a very very tough situation.

Me- Umm, yes.

C#2-You realize that his cheating and abuse will not get you any more money. . .as a no fault state, we have laws that cannot be swayed by pity stories like you. . .um where are you going

Door slamming

C#3- How are you doing through all this?

Me- ?

C#3- Do you have any support networks, do you have family that can get you through this?

Me- No, not really near by. . .

C#3- Before we begin anything, let's get you connected with some resources. . .you look unwell, the stress is in your body and face. . .and while we do that, let me see what is out there, so we can plan our case, that is, if you decide to go with my firm.

Me- Thanks so very much. . .

So, a lawyer was found. . .

Top 10 Soul Crushing moments from the CWOAS- Number 10

Finding out- Believe it or not, once you look back, you will see that as soul crushing as this moment was. . .it is only the 10th worst moment of the whole situation.

I got the Jerry Springer reveal. . .I actually caught him by coming home early. . .in my bed, kids downstairs. . .

The situation cannot be replicated with a lot of accuracy, since I JUST REMEMBER RED HOT RAGE. . .and little else. . .BUT

I can try to give you a sense of what it was like. . .

OH.MY.G-D. WHAT THE FUCK???? THE KIDS ARE RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

I also got the talk show version by having him start to blame me for needing to go elsewhere for passion and sex. . .and as a special wonderful treat, he decided to throw me up against the wall for the "sin" of finding out he was cheating on me before he was "ready to tell the truth"- finishing off with a few punches to my face, throwing me to the floor, and kicking me in the stomach. . . which got him a night in jail and the life long hatred of his older sons. . .and I went on like nothing was really wrong. . .when everything was and kind of still is.

Upshot, I know I am not perfect, but I also know it is not my fault that he chose to do this to me, made the decision to break his vows. . .it is his fault. He threw away something so precious, his life his family, and well, maybe one day he will want it back, but it is gone forever. Despite his belief that he only "left me, not the kids" he DID leave the kids, left them in order to pursue a better sex life, with someone so very exciting and awesome. . .and no longer in his life. Someday, maybe, he will wake up alone, scared, sick or all of the above, and maybe he will wonder, what the hell did I do? And the answer just may kill him. . .

Another Upshot- this is only the tip of the ice berg. . .numbers 9-1 are even worse. . .you have been warned. . .

The oasis illusion redux

The hardest part of this for me has been to keep remembering that the whole couple thing is over. . .and if you forget this. . .be warned, it stings if you get duped into believing that the CWOAS that cheated on you if the first place is playing you. . .just saying. Maybe it works out for some CWOAS types, they really DO feel bad, they really DO want to make amends. . .sad part is, that you have to risk getting your heart stomped on and ripped out in orer to know for sure. . .and I had to know for sure.

The time I thought my marriage was saved was magical, he was so charming, attentive, and well, I can honestly say, I really thought he was working TOO hard at it, but just went with his whole "I-cannot-believe-I-almost-lost-you" crap. . .and paid dearly.

But I know, now I know for sure. . .I think, I mean I know, I mean this sucks.

Cheating and the Kids. . .

So- when you consider life after cheating. . .one of the things that can really complicate things is the kids. Not because they are a problem, but because there can be many MANY hard questions to answer. . .

My particular CWOAS was of the sort where he used the kids as props. . .lures. . .so frakkin stereotypical it is gut churning. . .AND when he leaves them with one woman he met, to go have sex with another woman he arranged to meet at the same time, it can be very confusing for the kids to understand. Add a special needs child and a COMPLETE lack of understanding on the part of the CWOAS. . .and well, it is disaster. . .cubed. . .

Kids are part of the situation, but never part of the problem. . .

Stand firm! Do not let them be used as a way to pick up partners. . .handling this situation is tricky. . .but here is how I continue to "handle it"-

CWOAS- Hey, Do you think I can just take Cocoa for the day?

Me- Umm no, you are supposed to take all this kids. . .remember?

CWOAS-It's just that my plans are a bit more possible with only her. . .

Me- Umm your plans? You are supposed to be planning things with your children. . .that is why it is called "visitation"

CWOAS- Well I was going to take her to the park. . .and leave her with the daughter of a woman I am meeting. . .

Me-(are you FUCKING kidding me??) I am sorry, but you cannot do this with my children. YOU CANNOT LEAVE THM WITH STRANGERS SO YOU CAN HOOK UP!

CWOAS- Well, tell them I will hang out with them some other time. . .

Me- Yeah. . .

It is what it is. . .

Maybe we can get past this. . . no FUCKING way. . .

So, you may reach a time where your CWOAS/P may actually seem to come to sense about their actions and attempt to get you back. . .

2 words. . .BE CAREFUL, especially if you are in Stage 4. . .

This happened to me. . .and if it were not so FUCKING sad, I would still be laughing my ass off. . .

CWOAS- So. . .babe. . .I have been thinking. . .

Me- Do you still DO that?

CWOAS- Yeah- what is we tried to make a go of this. . .thing?

Me- Thing?

CWOAS- Yeah, the whole marriage thing. . .

Me- not feeling so good about this, but what the hell. . .

Me- What do you mean?

CWOAS- Well, what if we stayed married (and I can keep all of my money and dole it out like I used to instead of giving you 27% off the top) and I just stayed friends with my friends?

Me- Friends?

CWOAS- Yeah. . .you know. . .go to games and such. . .go out. . .

Me- With women you have already slept with?

CWOAS- Um yeah. . .you could come with. . .

Me- inhaling so hard that I create a frakken vaccum, Um, no, I am pretty sure I do NOT want to hang out with your stable. . .

CWOAS- What? After all of this you wanna go back to monogamy?

Me- Um. . .I never left it, you ass!

CWOAS- Well I tried. . .

Yep. folks. . .it is what it is. . .

Finding out the hard way. . .is. . .very hard indeed

So- one of the things that makes it difficult to discover any support for the suspisions you may have about your own personal CWOAS. . .or CWOAP if you prefer, is that in today's day and age. . .so many secrets can be kept in so MANY places. . .and a password or a withheld authorization can put the brakes on any voyage of discovery. . .

Case in point- when I noticed a quadruple increase in the cell phone bill. . .with the number of texts being sent from his phone in the thousands. . .I was amazed and wanted to see the bill- thought it was one of those errors you hear about. . .where the people are shocked by it. . .umm no such luck-

The following is just one of the exchanges I had with the cell phone company, which I will call Pew Ess Smellular. . .in order to keep things confiential

Chirpy Customer service voice- Thanks for calling Pew Ess Smellular, we are happy to serve you, how may I help you?

Me- I have a question about our bill

CCsv- Can I have the number?

I give it

CCsv- Oh, I'm sorry. . .but only the account holder (CWOAS) can access this account's details.

Me- Well, this particular account holder is using this phone to meet people online and leaving my childern with them in parks. . .I need to know what he is doing with this phone!

CCsv- I am really REALLY sorry. . .but I cannot help you

Me- he has racked up 10s of THOUSANDS of dollars on a credit card I did not know he had, he has been lying to me and has been leaving my children with strangers. . .why does HE get to be protected. . .I am the PRIMARY NAME ON THE ACCOUNT THAT PAYS THIS FUCKING BILL!! I want answers. I WANT THE TRUTH. . .sobbing ensues. . .

Less CCsv- I really am sorry, but you need to have him call and ask for this himself. . .(ummm hello, HE IS FUCKING OTHER WOMEN AND USING THIS PHONE THAT I HELP PAY FOR TO SET THE MEETINGS UP!!!!!!)

Me- We have 6 kids, my son is autistic, he is using them like props to get women. . .and HE is the one with protection?????? How do you sleep at night?????

WAAAAAAY less CCsv- I really am sorry. . .

Me- crying with REAL gusto

CCsv- Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me- Um you did not help me at all. . .

CCsv- Well, thank you for calling Pew Ess Smellular. . .where you are a valued customer (yes, she REALLY said that!!!!)

I never did get those records. . .but knew just the same what was going on. . .

So- if you are still wondering. . .hope to G-d you have a real joint account. . .

How it begins. . .a case study

So- now that you know you have a cheating whore of a spouse (CWOAS), you will more than likely search your life, hell, you will turn it inside out and back. . .every SINGLE irregular moment and difference will become an instrument of torture. . .were they together when the store trip took too long, were they hooking up when the "last minute work emergency" lasted hours and in times like that, when you are facing the loooooong empty night, and wonder what you ever did to deserve it, when your mind starts to look for the "answers". . .I have 2 words for you. . .



STAND DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In the aftermath of the infidelity "reveal"- I, too, took this highway to mental hell. . .and the end of the road saw me STILL cheated on. . .but now with a mental image nightmare vault FULL of self flagellation potential. . .and no answers



So, what's a person to do? Ignore this impulse? Let it run free? Drink heavily?



As with life, there is no easy answer to this reaction to having the person you love cheat, so I will share with you how I dealt with it-



Stage One- Assume Fetal position after kids are in bed, cry until your throat hurts, get up and refill the tear tanks. . .repeat



Stage 2- "TALK'* about your feelings with whoever will listen. . .store clerks are REALLY good listeners until your groceries are packed. . .or until they have to leave in order to avoid child labor law violations. . .but be careful, I was so good at this stage the WalMart Greeters tried to keep me out. . .and only said "welcome to Walmart" as I was LEAVING. . .some of the more colorful encounters I had during this stage included a man who asked me how it was going on the WORST. DAY.EVER. and literally RAN away from me in mid rant. . .and a woman who listened to me for about 10 minutes before asking " Do you want that movie ticket or have you had your fill of drama?"



*Assumes no expectation of volume level, profanity use, or clarity

Stage 3- ANGER OVERLOAD. . .one of the more intense parts of the process. . .where you can and will scare small children, junk yard dogs and bikers with the fury written all over your face. . .your voice will harden, your moods will flow. . .like lava. . .microwaved lava. . .and that will be on your good days. . .on your bad days, you will find yourself thinking about how angry you are. . .and then look at the clock and see it is time to make supper. . .the whole day consumed by your anger. . .fury, plans for vengeance, and destruction of the evil CWOAS. . .but a word of caution. . .do not, NOT, no matter how hard it is, unleash that fury in front of the kids. . .you will NEVER regret keeping it from them. . .especially in stage 4 with is-

Acceptance and moving on- harder than it sounds, but again, well worth it. It is here you will hopefully find something, ANYTHING, to make the future a better place for you and the fractured family you now have. . .I found continuing in grad school to be quite QUITE therapeutic, and also had the advantage of helping me see a way that I would be able to support my family. . .to never be in the place I was in. . .find your future, it will help your present. . .

There are more stages, I am sure- but I would rather share one of the more infamous events from Stage 3. . .just for fun-

Bag Boy- Paper or plastic?

Me- I bet she has fake boobs!

BB- Um. . .

Me- that is what probably got him. . .the gravity defying fake ta tas from hell. . .one look at those and he forgot all about us. . .me. . .

BB- Frozen foods in plastic?

Me- I was a GOOD WIFE TO HIM. . .really. . .I know I look a bit frumpy and well, face it, I had 6 kids, but really, I WAS A GOOD WIFE TO HIM. You believe me, right. . .um. . .Justin. . .here to help me. . .yes HELP ME JUSTIN. . .help me understand men, why would a man with 20 years of marriage DO THIS TO HIS FAMILY!!!

BB- Ummm, I am just here to pack your groceries, ma'am. . .

Me- MA'AM????? Did you just call me ma'am??!!?? I GO TO ROCK CONCERTS, I MOSH. . .I am no MA'AM. . .

Manager- I got this Justin. . .

Me- yes, paper please. . .

Sigh, gotta love stage 3. . .

Introduction

You have my sympathies is if you are reading this as a way of dealing with your own cheating whore of a spouse. . .I mean former partner. And if you have kids and are struggling with how to discuss the feelings of betrayal, pain, sorrow, homicide, suicide, jealous, loneliness and all of the savory feelings that come with being cheated on. . .I will share with you the events of my past. . . and just maybe laughing about it will bring you around. I was married for 20 years, have 6 kids with this guy, and he decided a few years ago to begin looking online for sex and "someone special" on the internet. . .and apparently found one. . .

So, you have discovered your spouse is a cheating whore, male or female, AND that the sex has not been "safe". . .which is weird, since your 5th grader is already familiar with HIV and your 15 year old has this life lesson drummed into his head all the time. . .but yes, your CWOAS* has not only cheated on you. . .but has endangered your life. . .What do you do?

The following is how I handled that particular situation. Enjoy.

CWOAS- Yes, I have been unfaithful to you. . .sniff, tear drop. . .and I have feelings for someone else . . .
Me- Hysterical sobbing and other traumatic details.
Me- Struggling to talk. . .but how. . .where. . .?

CWOAS- I have created an online persona, with an assumed name, and a fake age. . .with naked pictures of me taken in our bathroom with my cell phone. . .and posted that I was looking for someone special. . .when I was telling you I was working. . .I was actually doing something else. . .
Me- More of the same sobbing things

CWOAS- I know you are hurting. . .

Me- Not too far gone to NOT be annoyed by this comment

Me- What happened?

CWOAS- I have been forming relationships online, and found people in the area. . .2 exactly. . .and younger. . .
Me- Sob

CWOAS- And I met them- slept with them, one in a furnished storage locker, the other in a hotel. . .

Me- Did you practice safe sex?

CWOAS- They said they were fine without a condom. Is that bad???

Me- Ummmmm WTF? What about pregnancy? AIDS? STIs?

CWOAS- I'll get tested, I am sure it is safe. . .

Me- YOU ARE SURE IT IS SAFE? HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SURE IT IS SAFE?

CWOAS- See, this is why I wandered, you make everything into a big deal that "hurts" you (makes hand quote markes)

Me- Makes different hand gesture in same air

And so it begins. . .and ends

*Cheating whore of a spouse

So- he cheated, with many, and had unprotected sex with women who met men on the internet. . .a LOT of them. . .so you go and find out if you are ok. . .stressed out. . .you imagine being honest with the kids

Kids- Mommy, why are you crying?

Me- Oh I am just tired. [ . .of your whore of a sperm donor. . .and I am waiting to find out if he gave me HIV. . .]**

Kids- Are you going to be ok?

Me- Yes, no matter what, we will all be ok?

Kids- Why did Daddy leave?

Me- He fell out of love with mommy [ and he is a cheating whore who is determined to avoid the hard choices and hard work of a family, and is willing to throw away 20 years of his life for the possibility of better sex with an emotional train wreck who lives in Kentucky. . .who he has never met, but believes he is in love with. . .]

Kids- Does he still love us?

Me- Yes [but, he doesn't see the fact that he destroyed our family as hurting you or leaving you. He believes that his happiness is more important than anything, and that no matter what. . .he has to be happy first, and all others must find a way to be happy around his needs. . .]

Kids- oh, that's good. . .

Me- Yes

** what I would have said if the kids were older. . .